WTF is sexuality??
MMMMMmmhhhh nah, it's just really confusing. There are so many labels and this is super nice because some people need labels to validate how they feel. But for me, IT'S JUST SO OVERWHELMING! I don't want to have to choose.
Speaking of labels, if someone ever says "why are there so many names, what do they even mean?" 1) sit them down and have a conversation because that right there is A GROWTH OPPORTUNITY. Labels can bring so much comfort to someone who may feel totally alienated and alone in their feelings. And finding that super-specific label and group that also feels like they do, is (I am assuming) such a weight off their shoulders. And in comparison, I am the complete opposite. I think that labels are so overwhelming and restrictive. But that doesn't take away from the validity of anyone else's feelings about labels.
And the other thing that I despise about society (one of many) is that everyone just puts heterosexual as the default when someone comes out of the womb.
Don't even get me started on heteronormative baby clothing. Well actually, yes, I am going to get myself started about that. I DESPISE THESE CLOTHES.
"Sorry boys, Daddy says I can't date until I'm 30"
or
"Ladies Man"
"I don't care if you're gay, just don't flaunt it around my kids" This is what grinds my gears about the statement. Honey, this is what forcing sexuality on someone looks like, putting your child in a onesie that declares to the world that they are straight. This hurts kids so badly because it immediately instills the thought that being queer is "different" which is so unhealthy for their mental health.
My Sexuality Journey
hehe, okay so here I go, literally just outing myself. okay, this is happening. Welp, let's go. Hi, extended family that reads this, enjoy the rollercoaster.
So basically I grew up like every other kid in a suburb. There wasn't a ton of LGBTQ+ exposure. However my parents had some gay friends and I was a part of the Roller Derby community, which is VERY QUEER. I knew what being gay/lesbian/trans was but I just hadn't seen it in my direct community so I just never thought about it.
(THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT SOMEONE ISN'T QUEER, IT TAKES TIME TO REALIZE ALL OF THIS ESPECIALLY DIFFERENT ENVIRONMENTS)
Through both of those relationships, I knew that I was attracted to women, but when you are in a relationship you don't really think about anyone else no matter what.
Cole & I ended up mutually ending our relationship in the early Spring of my senior year. One of the reasons that our relationship ended was from my SEVERE depression (read about that here). Those few months of the end of 2018 and the beginning of 2019 was quite possibly the darkest time in my entire life (This had nothing to do with Cole he is great).
From here, once I made it out of high school, I was not in the headspace to look for a relationship (I still am not). Once I got to college I just didn't have the energy to look for a relationship. Through my first semester, I was friends with a group of girls and they had a group of guys that they hung out with. They were all somewhat toxic and I never felt like I could be my true self. Which was totally valid because I never was my true self, I never talked about my sexuality with them. The weight of having to check pronouns when you tell your friends about someone, having to pretend, having to act that you feel a certain way when you absolutely do not; IS SO DRAINING! That was also a factor in my depression. The stress of trying to not out yourself is quite possibly one of the most draining tasks ever.
That winter break (2019-2020) was when I told my parents that I liked girls. I said, "hey, i am kinda gay" then they both proceeded to say "cool" which is EXACTLY the response I wanted to hear. My mom said she had never seen that because I never really expressed it or gave any "hints". Which makes sense to me because I was with Cole for so long and I had only ever really talked to guys. But now that I was in Eau Claire and in college, there was an opportunity (have I taken advantage of that opportunity? -no, literally no relationships since I've been in college, and that's perfect with me because I am my own best friend). This also made my transition to using different labels, to see what worked for me, a lot easier. It is nice to go to college. Because not. a. single. person. knows who you were before.
So from here (first year of high school until the first year of college), I considered myself bisexual.
Okay, the pure fact that it says "ambidextrous" as a synonym - makes my day.
And then I proceeded to use the label just "gay" because I didn't like the connotations that went along with the label bisexual in my head. I also just had the thought that if I told someone I was bi, that they would think it is 50:50. Because most likely it is not. At least I know mine was not at all.
Then over the summer, I messed around with the label "lesbian" and there are a lot of things that I felt uncomfortable with about that label. For me, it just felt so restrictive. It felt like, only women ever at all times no matter what always. Which was very not my vibe. Some of the reasons I don't really vibe with that label (also just a heads up, these are all my own personal opinions. If the label lesbian works for you - more power to you, these are literally all opinions from my own brain) My biggest thing is that it is a noun. It makes me feel like Lesbian's as a whole are just an object or the subject of a nature documentary. "Over there is the Lesbian" for me it just feels so different than the other labels. Like you wouldn't ever describe a Gay person as "a gay" no they are just "gay". I don't know, and once again these are just my opinions, someone might feel totally different and I am a strong advocate for trying out labels.
I like people. That's the conclusion I have come to. And also that sexuality is a fluid thing. So odds are if I tell you a label, you'll hear a new one in a few months. AND THAT'S OKAY!!!
Stay crafty & queer,
Mads♡
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