How I Became My Own Best Friend

Step one: become extremely depressed for an entire calendar year. 

Step two: yay BFFS

Haha just kidding there are a few more steps in there. From my own experience I have gone from being very friend orientated and a big people person in high school - to - a very introverted queer artist. It all started in January of 2019 (well not all of it, but that would be a much longer post) when I got turned down from something that I had surrounded my entire life for 6 years. That is where I had all my friends, all my summer memories, and literally, everything about me was from that place. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be. 

I hate when people say everything happens for a reason. Because god damn it did not feel like that happened for a reason for months. And I still don’t think there was an overarching reason that it happened, but I think through difficult events in our lives we can create a reason that it happened, for comfort.

Basically, I was devastated, I honestly think I may have cried for 4 weeks straight. I stopped eating, I cut everyone off, I broke up with my boyfriend, I literally didn’t care about anything. I felt like there was no point to anything because that was my reasoning behind everything I had ever done for those 6 ish years. 
Which sounds extremely depressing and lonely; spoiler alert - IT WAS! The relationship I had with that place was so unhealthy but at the time I thought it was the best thing that ever could happen to a person. 
But anyway I went through the rest of my senior year of high school. I had one really good friend and then a ton of other average friends. No shade to them I was just not in the mental capacity to carry out a friendship. 

I have always described my depression to my therapists, family, and friends as wearing drunk goggles. I always felt as if I was watching someone else go through the motions of living my life and I was just kinda there. I knew that I was going about my days and doing things but there was no feeling attached to it. 

Until June 2019, I went to the porcupine mountains with a school group and the goggles felt as if they were ripped off my face. I cannot pinpoint a specific moment on the hike that they left, but it was so apparent when I came home. There was a lightness, bouncy, and just free feeling. That was the perfect way to start my summer. But there were still so many bumps along the road. 

And then I went to college, you can read about my first semester here. Not great. In fact, it was so not great that when I went home for winter break I asked my doctor if I could be put on medications. 

At first, I was on 25mg of Sertraline (generic of Zoloft). I remember coming home from that appointment (December 26th, 2019) and just crying because I was so scared, scared of the side effects, sad that I had finally admitted that I was not happy, and I had every right to be scared. Because I had every single side effect on that bottle. I was shaky, my legs would be convulsing and my feet were all jittery. My hands would get really shaky at times. I would get super sweaty on my face and my whole body. And I had those dark thoughts they warn you about. But then, on Jan 8th, 2020, there was this overarching feeling of bliss. I just felt okay. And for the first time in my life when I woke up in the morning, I felt as if there was the option to choose to be happy for that day. Having my body react so quickly to these meds, was the clarity I needed to acknowledge that my clinical depression was chemical. It wasn’t anything that happened to me. And yes, even at the beginning of 2019 was tough, but I don’t think I caused my depression. I think it just enhanced what was already there. 

From here I went back to school for a month and a half and then came along March 13th. Friday the 13th, when, to be clear, SHIT HIT THE FAN. We were sent home from college which was such an emotional thing, because I was finally happy and I had a good group of friends, and that was all ripped away. This quarantine at the beginning was actually not terrible for me. I am so privileged to have such a loving family, and such a safe place to be for months with no one else. 

This forced me to spend hours alone in my own head. And months ago I would have broken down at the thought of being in my own head. But this helped me really get to know myself. I started to enjoy being alone. And the biggest difference was that I didn’t feel alone. I was with myself and that was enough for me. I know I can always (unless I’m depressed) depend on myself, and I will always be there. 

My head became a safe place for me, which at first was the most foreign feeling ever. 

For years I had always given myself so many reasons and excuses to not spend time with myself. I would play music, I would literally do anything to distract myself from my own thoughts. 

From here it is somewhat a blur, but I truly have become my own best friend through all the shit 2020 has thrown at me. The biggest thing I noticed is that things that I would normally label as “self-care” and set aside time for, just became how I spent my day. Journaling became a habit, it didn’t feel like “oh well Kate my therapist told me to journal about this” it just came naturally and I wanted to journal. Something else I noticed, which I think all my depressed people out there can relate to, is SHOWERING!! It used to be such a draining and emotional thing for me to force myself to do. But now it just was a part of my day. 

I think the best thing you can do to become your own best friend, is to not be afraid to be alone. And yes, that is SO much easier said than done. But for example, at the beginning of this school year, I went to the farmers market by myself. I got myself some pita chips and sat in the grass all by myself. Now, this seems like a small task. And something that “non-mentally ill folk” would just do without thinking about. But for me, this was such a journey. Afterward, I was so proud of myself. I called my family, my best friend and I think I journaled like 5 pages about it. 

Don’t be afraid to be alone. Use the time that you would’ve spent crying because no one wants to hang out with you, to get to know yourself. And I know that sounds silly, and you aren’t just going to shake your own hand and introduce yourself. But in a sense when you take that leap and tell yourself that you are going to choose to be happy. You are leaving behind that depression, and as sad and traumatizing as it was when you were depressed, that was still a part of you. And see what I said there, it is a PART of you, it does NOT DEFINE you. 

So after I had the option of being happy, I almost did have to shake my own hand. Because it had been years since I knew this Madison. Shit, I didn't even recognize her. 

It is all a matter of baby steps. First, take yourself out for a picnic. Then spend a Friday night with yourself. And soon you will become your own best friend. It will take time and won’t happen overnight, but let me tell you, it is worth it. It is worth going through those lonely nights. 

I love you. I want you to be here. I value your existence. 

Tell someone you love them,
Stay crafty, Mads♡