Constantly wearing goggles

"Just because someone else is in a full-body cast, doesn't mean that your broken wrist doesn't hurt."

It is a tough quote to actually apply to your daily life, but it is something that should be noted. Everyone is entitled to their own suffering and pain. Just because someone has it so much worse than you doesn't mean that your pain isn't valid.

During times like this through the Black Lives Matter movement, everyone is entitled to their own pain and suffering but the oppression of the Black community and other minorities is a completely different topic. White privilege is not saying that your life isn't hard. It just is a reminder that the color of your skin hasn't made your life any harder.

For three years of my life that I can remember, it constantly felt as though I was wearing drunk goggles and I was watching someone else live my life for me. I felt out of control and just out of touch. It also felt like, everything around me was going at a normal speed and I was just moving in slow motion. Almost as if I was just watching and had no control. Like a fever dream. It wasn't until the end of my senior year that I finally "lost the goggles". I went on a hike to the porcupine mountains, once I came back it was almost as if someone had flipped a switch in my brain. I felt like a completely different person. That entire summer, I felt more alive than I have in my entire life. 

Once I went to college, as expected my mental health went down a bit. I had a lot of stress and trouble with social life and school. I got home for winter break and knew that something had to change, I went to my primary care doctor and asked for anti-depressants. A small note about myself, my body is very sensitive to just about everything. Which obviously concerned me when I read the side effects on the bottle of sertraline. Just as expected I had almost every side effect on that bottle.

It was a very tough and long week. I had 7 days of side effects, unruly shaking in my legs, facial sweating, jittery hands, blurred vision, severe drowsiness, no control over my body, and dark suicidal thoughts. It was difficult but so worth it. After that week I felt like a new person. 

My best friend Halo was one of the first to notice the immense change I went through. We went to a coffee shop and I started talking about how I could see myself living in Bayview. And she pointed out that I had never talked about my future until now. 

I had never seen a future for myself; I was just fighting to get to the next day. 

Now, I am striving towards a tomorrow.

Speak up for yourself. You don't deserve to feel like this, you deserve to feel bliss.

If that post made you sad please enjoy these photos of my dog

Madcraftin 

she/her/hers

7/23/2020