Happy One Year Medicationaversary

Disclaimer: I can only speak from my own experiences, everyone experiences medication differently, my experience is not the end all be all solution, it just happened to be so for me. I do not talk about anxiety in this post because my life has been much more severely impacted by depression not anxiety

The number of emotions that coursed through my body on December 26th, 2019 knowing that I was going to start anti-depressants is insurmountable. 

• I was terrified of the side effects listed on every pill bottle
• I felt guilty that I had come to this point where I couldn't help myself and I needed medication 
• I was excited that there was a chance I could be happy 
• I was jealous of the people who were born chemically balanced

But most of all I was scared. The side effects were absolutely terrifying. 

• tremors 
• nausea 
• increased appetite
• loss of appetite
• weight gain
• loss of sexual desire
• fatigue 
• drowsiness 
• insomnia
• dry mouth 
• blurred vision
• constipation 
• feeling agitated 
• shaky
• excessive sweating

And as someone who had only really taken allergy pills and birth control, this was a bit unsettling - who am I kidding - it was so fucking scary.

I experienced nearly all of these symptoms. The most prevalent one was tremors. Nothing about my appetite changed besides the fact that I was nauseous a lot and from this, I wouldn't eat. The scariest was drowsiness, I fell asleep in the middle of a therapy session, I also wasn't recommended to drive until these symptoms went away. 

"Cheers to 2 days completely side effect free" 

"The amount of sweat dripping off my face at this really fucking fancy restaurant is ABSURD; yes I'm hiding in the bathroom"

"Hi Everyone, this is what depression looks like, 4 days without showering, and not taking my bun out. But here we are. Getting in the shower - so yay"

The best side effect was the feeling of bliss. 17 days after I first took my pill I was happy. I am very fortunate to have this experience. I know that a lot of people spend years trying to find the right pill. Having this medication work right away was such a relief, #1 because I wouldn't have to go through those side effects again & #2 it told me that my depression was chemical. 

"1-9-20 I have had 6 happy days in a row and I have never felt more like myself and more genuinely happy in my entire life"

There are many mixed emotions knowing that your depression is chemical vs. situational. For me, it was a relief because I knew that there was something chemically wrong & this was the right thing to do to fix it.

Taking medication does not mean you have failed or weak. I had the mentality that I didn't deserve to take medication because if I wasn't able to fix my depression on my own what did I do to deserve medication to help me. When in reality sometimes medication is exactly what you need in order to bring yourself to sea level. 

When I say sea level, I mean: 

Medications do not make you happy right away. Meds just bring you up to sea level. Here you can breathe, you are able to process everything around you with a normal level of stress, sadness, and happiness. You will still have bad days once you are on medication, and this does not mean that they aren't working or you aren't fixable. It just means that you are experiencing life at sea level. You aren't forced to deal with everything life puts on you while also trying to swim to the surface (I really love that analogy) 

I had finally unlocked the level where being happy was an option. I knew that my meds were working because there was a choice. A choice that I didn't even realize I was living without. 

I still have bad days and depressive episodes like all neurotypical (chemically balanced brains) people do. But I am able to work through them. I am able to tell the difference between a bad day & a bad life. I am able to logically work through daily issues without shutting down. I also don't feel like I am on the verge of tears at all times. 

You don't deserve to feel this, you deserve bliss

It all takes time, and there will be a day when you will be happy, I promise. 

I love to answer questions about medication and talk about my journey. I am always open to chatting about these things madisondier@yahoo.com

Stay crafty - Mads